Today, after seeing my therapist last night, and reading her one and a half blog entries from this blog, I find today, I am not okay.
I am not feeling okay. And it is okay that I'm not okay. I am on the verge of tears. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I am hurting physically from being active and paying for my activity with a re-balancing of energy, as in drain. My poor adrenals are trying to keep up. Catch up. A few days up and a few days down, is how my body is able to function these days. And some down days are heavier than others.
And inside, I feel quite shredded. I've been deconstructing my past and continue to do so, and I have knocked the structures down upon which my life has been built since childhood. And I can feel it. And it can feel less than pleasant at times like this.
But I am going to Trust The Process.
I am in the middle of some important thing, and it's much bigger than it keeps seeming to be. Every time I think I've gotten to a closing place, I end up digging just a bit deeper, and find more huge swaths of unspoken pain and sadness and resentment. I rarely know when they'll hit, these moments of total and complete emotional and physical exhaustion. These moments when an expression on my child's face can make tears roll down my cheeks, when I feel bruised by the world, laid out exposed, like an open wound on sore flesh.
But I am going to Trust The Process.
I can't watch the news, it turns on my stress hormones and I get sicker. I can't watch animal shows because nature is too fierce and final, and somebody always must be killed to feed another. I can't even think about animal causes (a fondness of mine) because it's hurts so deeply thinking about all the pain and loss around trying save the beautiful animal legacy of our planet. How few tigers are left now? How many polar bear cubs are dying? Too sad, too sad. Too much pain for my heart to take on.
And even comedy shows just aren't funny because I tend to see the wounded hurt person underneath (especially if they are making jokes at the expense of another person) instead of hearing the jokes themselves.
But... I am going to Trust The Process.
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442 |
Because it is a process I am going through. And yesterday wasn't like today. And the day before it wasn't like today. And the day before that wasn't like today, either. Who knows what tomorrow will be?
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442 |
It is enough to have patience and kindness for myself to let myself go through this healing process, even when I personally feel like road kill.
Because, I need to Trust The Process. I need to lean into that.
Today, I am a lump of flesh, struggling to find self worth, meaning, peace. My heart is beating faster than usual and my limbs are shaky because of my chronic illness. I feel as though I've been hit by a truck. Twice.
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442 |
I am out of Spoons. (From But You Don't Look Sick, Spoon Theory, by Christine Miserandino.) When I have low spoon days, I give my spoons to my kids, and try to save a few for maintenance of mental sanity, some food preparation and a shower before bed. Everything else is fluff, except maybe this blog.
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| The spoons I have today |
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| The spoons I wish for every day |
Today, I am even having a hard time being properly present for my kids, because my own inner world is chaotic and struggling. But at least I am not blaming my children, shaming them, making them feel bad, because it has nothing to do with them. This is me. This is a telling them the truth time, that my bad feelings have nothing whatsoever to do with them. This is the thing my parents couldn't say, or even come to terms with: this is me. Feeling bad, alive, but not living, today.
So, I am going to Trust The Process.
Because...
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442 |
And finding who I am, that person I was underneath all those layers of imposed shit, is going to take time and inner work and effort and spoons. And I am worth it. I will be patient with me, and trust that my process is working. Even on the hard days.
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