Preface - Two Sides of The Same Face

© Miriam A. Mason, 2014

*Please read the blog in numerical order beginning with this entry.  The stories are continuations and there will be references to earlier events in later entries because it was originally written out in book form.  Thanks.

After long journey through healing, I am gathering the courage enough to write about and publish my experiences growing up in an academic narcissistic household.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/parenting.for.social.change.book

At the root of our culture is an illness that is so pervasive we mostly don't even recognize it for what it is. It is what is behind the commonly-held idea that respect must be earned. It is behind the flow of respect in only one direction in families (from child to parent, never the other way around). It is behind our broad cultural shaming of our children (more and more publicly of late thanks to Facebook and Google+), behind so many being willing to laugh at people who are shamed.  It drives and in turn is driven by our own continued deep internal cultural shame, a shame we all bear in our unique ways.

That illness, that profound sickness that plagues so many and is responsible for so much pain, especially for children, is Narcissism.

When a father plays with a daughter who is 5 or 6, and he hurts that daughter, and that daughter becomes furious and hurt even more when that father laughs at the pain and anger the daughter is feeling, this is narcissism. When the father is unable to apologize and empathize with his daughter, that is narcissism. This is not thinking that a small child has enough brain, existence, personal power, or understanding to feel a full range of emotions. This is thinking that only a fully formed adult person is allowed to be powerful. To my father, those incidences were funny and laughter invoking. It never occurred to him to actually consider what I might be feeling. That is then followed by gaslighting, also narcissistic. "It wasn't that bad." "Oh stop it, you'll get over it." In other words, telling the other person how they are supposed to feel. Especially telling a child that. That is narcissism. And it is ugly and it is a sickness our entire culture would do better without.

Image: https://www.facebook.com/pebblechaser

From: http://www.ourmuddyboots.com/public-shaming-children/ 

I have decided to put all my writing down in a public blog. I have decided to finally tell MY story, instead of my story always and infinitely being subordinate to my father's or mother's stories. They may be my parents, but I am their daughter, and no less valuable or valid, no less worthy of respect and kindness. 

Source: https://www.facebook.com/DanceWithMeInTheHeart

 
What follows are my stories and experiences in this regard. Since I've already written much of this blog out in book form, I will break the material up into parts so they may be read in the correct order.

I sincerely hope to reach others out there who are struggling with the difficulties that growing up in a family who lives by narcissistic tenants creates.

Please see my links on the sidebar for actual clinical information about what Narcissistic Personality Disorder really is, how it is employed, and what professionals in the field of psychology have to say about it. The links are incredibly valuable resources and for me, they were game changers. I am forever grateful to those who went before me to speak their truths against the ugliness that is spewed at them, both by actual family and by our culture as a whole, which so often validates what the narcissistic parent is doing, and invalidates the child.

I'd like to take a moment to thank my closest friends (chosen family) and my beloved little family for their understanding, patience and willingness to stay close to me on this journey. It hasn't always been a pleasant experience for them, but they've stuck by my side despite the hardships and difficulties.  And my larger community (you know who you are) who keeps an open heart and mind, really tries to not merely listen, but to hear and understand.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-is-a-Bitch-Quotes/228697947191691

The link that changed my life is at the top of the links list and is also here. In this small bit of critical text, I immediately recognized myself and realized for the first time that I hadn't been born bad, and that I was actually suffering from growing up in a systemically narcissistic family.  I was looking in the mirror for the first time in my life in my 50s and finally understanding myself.  It was a huge relief and opened a Pandora's box.  Here lies my Pandora's Box.

Image From: http://www.wpclipart.com/religion_mythology/Greek/Greek_2/Pandoras_box.jpg.html

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