WARNING: Pissed Off Rant Ahead! I have never been allowed to express the 50 years or so of built up fury I feel towards my brother, so I'm letting it out, in a big storm. Perhaps this won't cancel it out, but at least it is providing a much needed and long deserved release. You have been forewarned.
Ever since dad and mom have died, you and your wife have attempted to assume a parental role towards me.
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442 |
Dear brother, you weren't there for my childhood. You weren't there for a single special event in my life. You weren't there during hard times for me. You weren't there in terms of the slightest interest in my life. You weren't there on any level at any time in any meaningful way in my life. You weren't there.
What on EARTH possesses you to assume a fatherly role towards me? Get off that idea right now, cuz it will never hold water, not in real life, or even in your false narcissistic view of life, not even in a court of law. Prodigy? Um, no. When I think of you, I think of another "P" word: Pathetic.
Is it the 12 years of difference between our ages that makes you think you can "parent" me? I laugh in your face at that, if you really think this gives you justification. At 12, you were easily more fucked up than I was at the same age, and hardly qualified to be a "father" figure. The remainder of your life has been a sad testament to your addictions and self-centeredness. You certainly weren't qualified to be a father figure to me then, and you are no more qualified now.
I will tell you what would have given you justification to behave towards me even remotely as a paternal figure; bear in mind none of these would provide even the slightest excuse for you to treat me as you actually have:
• Being a real presence in my childhood or in my life in general
• Understanding we are equals (you are incapable of that)
• NOT blaming me for your fucking drug habit (remember family "Group" dear brother?)
• Protecting me in my childhood from things mom and dad couldn't handle
• Hearing me (really hearing me) when I needed to be heard
• Holding me and comforting me when I needed it (hugging you is like hugging an uncomfortable animal, you do it only because you have to, not because you want to, yeah, I read hugs because I give them a lot and get them a lot)
• Helping through the difficulties that I experienced (oh, raped at 10 every single day? Your heroin needle was more important than your own sister)
• Kicking the ass of people who threatened and beat me up regularly after school (or at least *knowing* that it was happening)
• REMEMBERING our conversations and caring one wit about them
• ACTUALLY (ha) loving me. (You have never once loved me in your life. You say the words and they are empty. And now, as you grow old and mentally brittle all that has gotten much worse, much more evident, even if you can't see it because you blind yourself with your narcissistic self image.)
You did the polar opposite of all these and more.
Did I mention I'm in my 50s and don't want your help? Your help has always come with a price tag, it has never come from your heart. Your "help" is profoundly deficient in the things I consider important (i.e. love, compassion, empathy, kindness, presence). Did I mention that you treating me as though I am your spawn is both a gross psychological illness and deeply inappropriate? Here's my response to your attempts at "parenting" me: you suck. And I mean, not in a small way, you suck the big kahuna. You are a narcissist just like dad was, someone who cannot deal with the REAL emotions of being alive and hurt, someone who cannot sit with that pain but medicates it, first with heroin, now with booze. What a waste that I even ever wanted that in my life. You create a false image of yourself and want everybody to comply with it. You are entitled and cruel. You are judgmental, you are only kind when people do things the way you believe they should be done (and when they kiss your ass appropriately). You are incompetent in my eyes in every imaginable way, and I don't care how much money you make. Money does not equal competent human being. In fact, in reality, the two are not even in the same universe.
You've instead spent most of your time (rarely) with me telling me I've failed on some level. Telling me I'm not as good as you are and I never will be. Implicating to me (as a child) that I was responsible for your unhappiness, and the consequent stupidity that followed it.
You've yelled at me, snarled at me, told me to shut up about my own *important* feelings, dismissed me, minimized me, disrespected me, treated me as an annoyance, discounted me, forgotten important conversations we had and ways I actually helped you in the past, stood me up for your beloved Heroin uncounted times.
You don't even know me. You don't even know who YOU really are (minus the booze now and the heroin then), let alone me.
You don't even remember calling me up between your past job of real estate agent and your current job of money movement to ask me what I thought you should do. You said you were tired of the unreliable nature of real estate and you could see a crash coming. I told you you spent all that time managing a profitable drug business, and that you are good with money. So that might be a career to move towards. You were impressed for a few moments. And guess what? You went into that career I recommended.
But the most appalling of that entire interaction is that you no longer remember it. Because that is how unimportant I have always been in your lousy shitty self-important indulgent life.
I've been angry a long long long time at you. At my fear of you. At my fear of your temper and judgment. You inspire fear in me. You probably even like that you do that.
Haven't you learned one fucking thing from your ridiculous crazy life? Haven't you learned that the ONE thing that matters is love? That love should always triumph over fear, judgment, ridicule, disdain and disgust.
You took your pissed off self and you used the anger you felt as a result of what mom and dad did to you and your inner artist and you ruled with fear over anybody you could make cower. Anybody you felt you could look down upon.
I was a tiny child. Of course you could make me cower, you piece of shit coward. Only the truest assholes fuck with people who are smaller and less powerful than they are.
A, you are an asshole.
I have nothing to say to your wife, who is SO narcissistic (false image of fantastical self, while underneath, she loathes herself in unspeakable ways, so much so, that if you pull down her illusion, she'd break). Her ridiculous presumption that she's better than either my sister or myself is as deluded as the rest of The Family Fantasy that dad and mom worked so hard to build. She doesn't even amount to a mention more than a paragraph here, because she is so mealy, that she blindly follows and assumes your judgments about everything, including me. Fuck you, C. You don't matter. You never have. Chew on that for a while.
You can't build on a lie, brother.
Which is why you are so angry and unhappy almost all of the time, dear brother. But you go right on ahead and keep trying. Your whole life has been built on a lie, the image you crafted so mom and dad couldn't hurt you any more. You attempting to lay any judgment on me is truly a huge joke. One that I no longer will tolerate.
Fuck you, too A. Steer clear of me, unless you want truth. Because Truth is all you'll get from me from here on out. And it ain't gonna be pretty and it's going to make you upset and angry, because you know why? Because you are a coward. Only cowards run from genuine emotional growth. Enjoy your booze like you enjoyed your needles full of Heroin, brother. And stay the hell out of my life with all your dysfunctional abusive addicted denial-filled bullshit.
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442 |
You can't even remember the basic truths of our interactions together, don't you try to list a bunch of bullshit at me that you really don't remember properly because of your heroin addled brain.
What I'm speaking is truth. Truth is a defense against slander. What you speak about me are falsehoods, which have no defense against slander. Case in point, we did not "lose" our house in El Cerrito as you blathered quite succincly on my Facebook Wall, we SOLD it, yes out of necessity, but that is wholly different from "losing" a house. To boot, we made a $70K profit on it, so you know what? Shove your lies up your ass, A. Attempt to slander me again with non-truths (merely because your brain is a sieve and can't recall things accurately), and I will add names to this entire blog, so that everybody knows exactly who you all are. This blog isn't a lie. And I have a damn sharp memory, Mr. Mud-for-brains.
It's about time, I get to yell back. Now that it's out of my system, and you know what a ludicrous load of shit you've dealt me as a human being (I am not your sister except by blood, you don't deserve anything I have to offer), I can go on with my life. Sans you.
They say anger is a cover for fear. I don't fear you any more, A. I love myself now, not as a narcissist, but genuine self-nurturing, compassionate love, the kind that doesn't need to get pissed off when people speak truths. The kind that finally needed to yell back at you. For ME, not you. I don't need whatever your excuse for love is any longer. I don't think I ever did.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
There. Much better now. Thanks if you aren't my brother and you got through this.
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