23 - How Much Is Enough?

©Miriam A. Mason

I find myself asking that a lot these days.  I was talking with a close friend who also suffered from terrible abuse as a child and she asked this question as well. When she said it, it just rang bells. Neither of us knew an answer.  But at least we shared the feeling.  Because it just isn't feeling like whatever it is, talking, reading, processing, writing, sharing, pushing oneself out of the comfort zone, is ever going to finally be enough to put this thing down.

But how do you put down your life?  Your past experiences?  How do you release them into the ether in order to set yourself completely free? Is there such a thing as completely free?
 

Source: The Organic Sister

I have noticed many people fill their minds with "good" and "positive" things, try to notice all the goodness in the world and I find I truly enjoy that at times, too.  But there are times when the pain is too great, and I'm unable to fill myself with good things.  The angry hurt child inside is still feeling out of control and very upset.

I don't think she wants revenge, but I do think she is wanting me to keep speaking the Truth, her Truth.  Her Story.  My Story.  I don't think she's ready yet to let it go.  It is part of the fabric of her life, woven into her experiences and she wears those threads even though they hurt her still.  How can one wear the threads of their experiences and not feel them keenly any more?  Can they be shed at all?

What can I do that is more than I am already doing to help this child, who got pounded by the waves of an ocean of narcissism she was powerless to prevent?

Sometimes, I feel we fill ourselves with the beautiful things so we don't have to look at and examine the pain.  And deep inside I feel upset and angry and minimized when the pain is ignored, or supposed to be suppressed so everybody else can feel comfortable.  I was never comfortable as a child, my comfort was not a variable in the equation.  Why ever should everybody else's comfort be more important than my own? 

Source: Emerging From Broken

Pain feels like part of the tapestry of the whole being and to be honest and authentic and vulnerable, the pain must be worn along with the joy.  That feels more authentic to me.  Or... is that my father's-I'm-a-suffering-poet speaking?  I don't think so.  I think that to deny either side of ourselves is an error -- my father denied his joy, and coveted his pain.  To covet only the joy and not speak of the pain feels equally unbalanced to me.  To love ourselves in our pain is at least as important as it is to love ourselves in our joy.  And it is much much harder.

And then there is the question of validation.  How much validation will be needed to fill a cup that feels it will continually find ways to spill itself over, knock itself down, or run out from neglect?

How much will be enough?  And from whom?  I'd prefer to be able to look to myself for validation, but it is not how my brain has been trained to function.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442

So, I need to start validating myself as much as possible, and then some little part of my brain says, "but oh, Miriam, watch out, because that can be narcissistic, when you have TOO much faith in yourself."  And that little voice, that bit of self doubt, is two sided, it is.  One side is convinced the voice keeps me mindful and reminds me that I'm neither more important or more deserving of respect than those smaller and weaker than myself.  The other part of it pokes at me like my father would, saying, "don't be too sure of yourself, beware hubris, watch out for too much self-assurance, it's a bad thing."

I want to scream when these inner voices start having these conversations in my head without my permission; and tell them all to just shut the hell up for once.  Let me listen to my heart.  What does my heart say to me?

It says be kind, especially to those who are weaker than you are (see, dad, I could figure this out without having to constantly second guess myself, fancy that you old fart).  It says remember, and honor all of you, including the angry little girl who sits in the corner of my brain feeling bad so much of the time.  It says love her.  Love her as much as you love your own children.  She is as deserving as they are.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442

So, the voice telling me not to be too self-assured, that's the bullshit one.  That's the father voice, the one that makes me second guess myself all the time.  The one that assumed I would be too stupid on my own to figure out how to treat people properly if I was self-assured.  (Pardon the French, but fuck off, Dad's voice.)

There are people who genuinely believe it is noble to suffer in silence, not to speak about their physical and/or mental issues.  This is what my dad did.  It didn't help him at all.  I don't buy into that position even a little bit.  Silence in my life only further deepened the wounds I felt, and made worse my experiences of growing up.  Because a person speaks out about their illness or their personal experiences, this is not ignoble.  Quite the contrary.  It is very noble and courageous and scary and demands of others to discard their discomfort and look at real life.  Whether or not they are able to do that is a reflection of them, fully.  There will always be those who suffer in silence.  I am no longer one of them.  I will try very hard to no longer feel that bit of self-doubt around speaking Truths and being authentic just to make someone else feel more comfortable. 

Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442

Some people even define anger as an un-useful emotion.  In my mind, there are no un-useful emotions.  If we deny some part of our emotional selves, it will come out of us in other ways.  We will act out in ways we cannot explain.  Anger truly is a cover for fear.  Fear is a lot more scary to feel.  To admit to feeling.  But it is almost always the deeper emotional force behind anger.  Once you realize that, then anger can be a sign to seek out what is making you afraid.  This is empowering, and it means you are listening to your authentic inner self, rather than holding up a flimsy and unrealistic image for the world to be agog about ("I never feel anger" is untruthful at best from any human being).

There are no un-useful emotions.  Only un-useful ways in which to cope with them.  And, to me, anyway, defining something as un-useful is another sign of some sort of denial and dysfunction.

Yes, when we focus on joy, we can experience more joy!  There is no denying this and that is a lovely and wonderful thing, but when we deny the full range of our human emotions, we are denying a part of our authentic selves. And to heal, one must stop the denial.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442

My friends (and some intuitive strangers) know that they can tell me the really awful stuff that happened to them and I will be okay with them and with what they tell me.  I think maybe we need some more people who can hear and validate the awful stuff in this world.

 So... maybe I *am* making progress here.  Even if I can't see it directly, or don't feel it in more than tiny shifts.  I'm actually feeling here and now that I have valid and important observations.  And that feels pretty damn good.

* * *