This was such an extraordinarily horrible experience for me, I remember only a very few details, so the shorter than usual blog. I remember mostly being the only one doing most of the talking and assuming all of the blame. And nobody telling me that wasn't so.
In the 1970's in the Berkeley, California area, there were drug abuse treatment programs that were highly experimental. One was called "Group" that my brother, I presume in an attempt to quit his heroin habit, went to.
Group was, in a nutshell, a bully session. You are broken down, apparently, until you are nothing but raw meat, then you are built back up in their model. This practice is brutal and it was ineffective, clearly, in my brother's case, as he continued his addiction for many years following. I don't think it helped, I think it hurt.
It was such a barbaric, inhuman, and embarrassing practice, that I can find little written on it when I search the all-knowing internet, but my dear husband did find the following, which is as close as we could find. As quoted from Sociology of Deviant Behavior, by Marshal Clinard and Robert Meier (Cengage Learning, 2011, Chapter 8, page 254):
"As an important part of the program, members met each evening in small groups or 'synanons,' of 6 to 10 members. Membership rotated so that one did not regularly interact in a single small group with the same people. No professionals participated in these sessions, which worked to 'trigger feelings' and precipitate 'catharsis,' or release of emotional energy. The discussions also feature 'attack therapy' or 'haircuts' in which members confronted and cross-examined one another; hostile attack and ridicule were expected. 'An important goal of the "haircut" method is to change the criminal-tough guy pose' (Yablonsky, 1965: 241). The group intended this method to break down defensiveness about drugs and defeat denial of addition. The haircut also triggered feelings and emotions about addiction and the problems of coping with a drug habit."This was a common place practice and theory at the time, and my brother's only model for an even remotely more functional family. Clearly, it should never, ever be used on a child who has never taken a single drug or done anything more than be a child.
I have no idea if my brother's Groups sessions rotated (I rather doubt it), but certainly our family members couldn't rotate.
During his "treatment," when I was still very young, probably no more than 8 at most, brother decided the whole family would have one of these "Group" sessions. I was informed that participation was not optional by my brother and mother and father and that everybody must attend and must participate. I begged and cried not to go. I feared I was to blame, and that it would be even more validated than it already had been in my experiences thus far. But I was forced. So was my sister, who remained silent through the entire event.
I remember little more than assuming all the blame for my brother's drug habit (because he didn't like me and I was wrong somehow). I remember saying I messed the whole family up by being born. I remember crying while my other family members sat still. There was no communication effort at all from my parents, who mostly sat and watched. Nobody told me I wasn't to blame for my brother's drug habit, or for the dysfunction in the family. I do recall that my brother tried to engage my parents, who were mostly silent observers (of course), and when engaged deflected effortlessly (of course). I don't remember details beyond this. My parents looked uncomfortable, but like they were trying to be dutiful good parents and participate, a bit like poor suffering martyrs doing "the best they could" but not making any effort to really do better or be involved.
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442 |
I recall coming away from the experience feeling as though everything wrong with my family was my fault. And that I had been the only one who had spoken up at all, and that nobody said anything at all to me to tell me I wasn't right about it. And then I recall something vaguely about being told I was "selfish" because I thought that and was crying about it. I wish I remember more, but it's very fuzzy. I also have a vague awful memory of having my fears actually validated during that session. The more I think on it, the more I remember it.
As far as my 8 year old neurology could glean, the "Group" event could have been a younger version of "the circle" (4th grade), but it was in my family. And it was so dysfunctional, this was the best model it could muster, and that from my brother, and not even a parent.
If other people spoke or said anything meaningful, I do not recall it. Because as a child I should never have been there in the first place.
Well, yes, brother, you were absolutely right back then. Mom and dad were screwing up as parents. Mom and dad broke their relationships with us. Mom and dad expected us to be extensions and reflections of them. And it hurt you. And it hurt sister. And it hurt me. Pretty badly.
It's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And it's real. And guess what? What you were looking for is the information in this very blog. And the links that I have posted on the side of it.
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/DomesticViolenceKills |
I could have done without the destructive "Group" session and the attack type therapy at 8 years old, Family, thank you very much.
Never again, will I buy into believing that I am at fault. Never again, brother, because you knew, too, as a child, something was very very wrong with our family. We all did. Silently. No help at all from Group.
I hereby officially release with a clear conscious any and all self blame and trauma associated with that experience.
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| Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Survivors-of-Child-Abuse/279131948791470 |
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