03 - Blame Shame and The Disease of Childhood

© Miriam A. Mason

This blog really isn't about blaming anybody specifically, none of us are perfect angels, but there is a point at which we decide whether or not we take responsibility for our conduct towards others. And if we develop enough emotionally, that we examine our deep internal motives and the motives of those around us. I had such brief glimpses of clarity during my years growing up in The Family, and they were terrifying moments. This blog is about clearing the air, speaking the truth and about an attempt to break a dysfunctional cycle, so that my own children, and perhaps their children, won't have so much to recover from in their adulthood. Living as the adult child of narcissistic parents puts a serious crimp on one's life.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/emtroper

I shared with my sister, when we went out for a meal together after our father's memorial service, a well known meme from the homeschooling world: "childhood should not be something you have to recover from." I'm not sure who originally penned it, but it is brilliant. My sister laughed out loud. She told me she didn't think that was possible. 

And yet, I know for a fact that families exist for whom their children's recovery isn't so overwhelming it takes 40 years. My sister, apparently, still buys into the idea that most families are as bad as our family. That the majority of families use the withdrawal of love and approval, the fear of their anger and punishment and ongoing damage to the child's reputation, to manipulate their children into thinking, acting, behaving, pursuing areas that the parents approve of only. And into distrust of their own feelings and intuitions, if they even have an idea of what (and who) they are in the first place. 

I'm not sure my awareness of this would have been possible without witnessing first hand a completely different paradigm around me. I am extremely fortunate because I know a different, better way is possible.

I personally know many families out there who truly support their children, who give their children their own voices and support their interests without a covert personal agenda. Disapproval, blame and shame are simply not part of their pictures. These aspects aren't necessary because there is a mutual trust that is built up, which allows the child to develop as who they are instead of who a parent wants them to be (an extension of the parent). These families I've learned directly from use connection, support, and unconditional love instead, even in the face of terrible troubles. 

Source: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chrysalis/312670922080239

Living the way my parents raised us is far from the only way to do it. As adults, it is our responsibility to address how we decide to parent and live in our own lives, take ownership and make changes so that our children will not have to recover from their childhoods, but can move forward without feeling as though they have no right to their own voices.

It bears repeating, again and again: childhood is not a disease to recover from. It should be one of the most filling, fun, interesting, free, experimental, mistake-making times of our lives. We should know that we are loved, even if we screw up. We should know that we will not be judged, but be loved for exactly who we already are. That making mistakes is part of learning, and partnership and discussion is far superior to punishment and reward (two sides of the same lousy coin). 

Source: http://onthefenceadvocacy.wordpress.com/page/23/

From the time I was 18 months old, I knew to make a mistake in our house caused me physical pain. Quite a lot of physical pain. And as I grew older, to want something my parents didn't want would cause me emotional pain, deep psychological evisceration. To say that all people live like our parents did is to give up on ourselves, and our children; to assume we are the way we are and we cannot change for the better. And... it is lazy, to be perfectly blunt. 

It is much harder to parent mindfully.  It requires work and the ability to be able to center yourself, while also providing a center for your child.  The things that can make a difference appear simple, but they run deep.  For example, paying attention to the things your child talks to you about (even the things you don't like) and really hearing them without judgment.  Letting your child make his or her own judgments, they can and they will, if given the freedom to do so.  Remembering to not take it personally if your child's interests are nothing like your own.  And remembering that if you screw up, say so, apologize for the child, not for you.  It takes struggle and mindfulness every single day to remember that children are already autonomous beings.  They need you there for support, so they can move in the direction they want, while you step back and get out of the way, all the while your heart filled with unconditional love. This is their life, not yours.  For so many it isn't easy to parent respectfully, especially coming from the place in which we grew up, where withdrawing love is just the standard fair of the day.

Mom and dad gave us a home, a pretty garden, some great travel, some much celebrated social standing due to our father's "published poet" status, money to eat and clothe and "educate" us (this point is debatable), and the security of having a place to sleep. But they did not and were unable to give us the type of unconditional love that raises healthy people who have a strong sense of self and know what they want and are able love themselves, assert themselves without shame, create healthy respectful boundaries, have genuine empathy for others and feel successful as basic human beings.

My parents missed the biggest part of the puzzle of bringing up children: the piece with the support for us simply being us. There was always something to prove, something you had to earn, something to answer for, something set in front of us, a directive to be, think, behave and to survive we must live life in this manner only. The rest of the time, they didn't pay much attention, and in fact were so disconnected from my brother by the time he was 14, he'd already left the house and begun a serious drug habit.  He was noticeably absent for most of my life. Similarly with my sister at even younger, who never did or acted the way they wanted her to and who eventually fully divorced the family and remains that way today. 

Source: https://www.facebook.com/DomesticViolenceKills

And mom and dad remained to the day each of them died utterly clueless as to why any of this happened... because surely, it couldn't be their fault. So it must be ours. In my mother's case, it was often willful cluelessness.  She often told me to stop talking about something because it made her uncomfortable or feel feelings she wanted to suppress in herself.  She was the shaming daughter of a shaming mother herself. More on my father's unique situation later.

"Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless." ~ Jeffrey Kluger

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